I can't believe how fast time has gone by! I spent most of tonight watching videos of her when she was 9 months old (I was also crying and eating some chocolate. (I don't know what it is about eating chocolate when I am sad))
As I was watching those videos I started thinking about how hard things seemed to be when I first got her.
I was working full-time and trying to learn how to take care of a 9 month old. (those late nights and early mornings...yeesh!)
I didn't understand why she was crying at times.
I didn't know why she wouldn't eat her food when I thought it tasted great!
I didn't know a "gas pain" cry was different than a "hungry" cry.
I didn't know how to keep the house clean and manage to keep her fed, clean and happy.
I didn't know how to balance my social life with my mommy life...and my workout life for that matter.
It seemed like all I did from sunrise to sunset was take care of her, work, take care of her and work...
I had always promised myself I would be a mom that always wore cute clothes at home and woke up early enough to put my makeup on and wear my hair down.
One week into the mommy gig and I had broken all my vows...
I didn't notice it at the time...but I was treating motherhood like a job and not treating it like a privilege.
I am not sure if other parents have done this, but it was honestly the only thing I knew how to do in order to keep myself afloat!
Now don't get me wrong....I loved each day with her, but in order for my life to stay on track with work, parenting, and home life...I started treating each day like a job.
Of course there is nothing wrong with structure. I think it is important for kids to have structure in their day, but I started treating bath time like it was a duty instead of a joy.
I didn't know I was doing it at the time...
After several months of this I had a slight melt down. (you know...the kind where you just cry a bunch and can't quit crying)
I couldn't figure out why this mommy thing was so hard! (I am sure any parent reading this can understand)
As I looked at my life and my routine I realized that I had unknowingly been structuring so much of my day that I was losing out in the joy of the chaos! :)
I decided that there were some things I was going to have to let go...
I didn't have to have a clean house (in fact it was nearly impossible to have a clean house all the time and I was making myself miserable trying)
I didn't have to have my Bible study every morning before she woke up...God knows our hearts and it is perfectly fine to have it in the evening. (or at lunch time so you don't fall asleep from exhaustion at night)
I didn't have to rush in the morning and work out. Of course working out was important, but not at the expense of losing valuable cuddle moments with my girl.
I didn't have to rush bath time or reading time at night to get her to bed on time...bath time and reading time are special once in a lifetime moments!
I didn't have to look perfect to other moms...because the more honest I was about how hard things were...the more people would open and share the hard moments that they faced as well.
Being a single mom that worked full-time presented a lot of difficulties and joys. In fact, there are still days when I feel like I am going to cave under the pressure....but the most valuable thing I have learned is that you have to stop an enjoy each moment with your kids.
Looking back at those videos tonight really made me see that each year, day and moment we are given is such a privilege!
I can't imagine and don't want to imagine my life without her!
I used to think that my day had to be completely structured from minute to minute to keep us on schedule. I thought that this would make me the perfect mom.
I am so glad God showed me that it was in my imperfections I could find freedom to love her perfectly!
To all you moms and dads out there giving it all that you have each day...you are AMAZING!!!!!
But He said to me, " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.- 2 Corinthians 12:8-9
