Mama...oh my!

Tonight as I was giving baby N her bath she looked up at me and said, "Mama".

N has been saying "mama" and "baba" and little words here and there for several weeks.
I never really thought she was calling me mama...until tonight.

Tonight as she was sitting in the bathtub giggling about the bubbles she looked up at me...handed me a toy and said mama.


Something was different about the way she said it tonight.
 It was like her words finally connected to the meaning of what she was saying.

So of course...I cried. :)

I cried for a couple reasons.

I have always dreamt of being a mom. Like most girls I played house when I was little and planned out the names of my future kids.
As the years went by I watched as all my friends began to have children.

In my mid-twenties I began to get a little nervous that I was never going to have children of my own.

When I turned 30...well I thought that was soooo old and just started reserving myself to the idea that I would probably die alone. (hahaha! it was painful to face at the time...but funny to look back now and see how dramatic I was about it all)

After about a year of praying, seeking and letting go...I found myself in a season of rest.
I found rest...even in waiting.

I wouldn't say the longing or the ache to have children went away...I just realized that if I rushed God for something that was out of His timing I would never be able to enjoy life.

If I would have rushed God...I wouldn't have baby N.
Just two short years after my dramatic moment of feeling like my life was incomplete...a tiny baby girl looked up at me with her big brown eyes, bubbles in her hair and called me mama.
So worth the wait.


The second reason I cried...

When I heard that sweet baby girl call me mama...my heart was happy and sad all in the same moment.

To know that a child born by another woman calls me mama is a deep emotion to carry.

If this leads to adoption...will I be good enough for her?
If I adopt and never get married...will she be okay without a daddy?
If I get married one day...will he love her like I do?
if....If....IF!!!!!

Sometimes the voice of worry in my head tries to drown out the truth in my heart....

And the truth in my heart says that all I can do each day is love this little girl like she is my own, tell her that she is loved and be her mama until the Lord reveals His plan for our lives.


As a foster mom that cherishes being called mama...I can only imagine what our Heavenly Father must feel like when we call out to Him!
We are all adopted and loved!

Oh how He loves you and me!!!
Jeremiah 33:3