Baby N

 This month Baby N turned a year and half old! Holy cow...where did time go?!?!

N has been with me since she was 9 and a half months old...and it seems like she has been with me forever.

Time has gone by so fast and at the same time it has seemed like an eternity as I wait to find out our future together.
One of the beautiful things about foster care is that you have the opportunity to care and love on children who need a safe place to land. A place to call home...if only for a little while.
One of the most gut wrenching things about foster care is that even though you know going into it that you will only hold these children in your arms a short amount of time...everything inside you fights against the idea of one day possibly having to say goodbye.

With baby N... I have been so humbled to know and develop a relationship with her birth mother.
It is such a strange feeling to share motherhood with another woman for the same child...and yet so unbelievably beautiful at the same time. God's fingerprints are all over this situation...and regardless of the outcome my life has been forever changed.

We have a big court date next week and we will then follow up with a REALLY BIG court date at some point in December. (details comings soon)
I ask that you say a prayer for me and N...but if you could...please say a prayer for N's birth mom. Pray for peace and comfort as we move forward.

When I was a little girl I always thought I would be married, have three kids and live in the country.
Today, I am single, fostering to adopt and living in the City.

Life is not what I expected, but it is much better than anything I could have ever dreamed!

The weight and the privilege of motherhood

One of the hardest things for me about being a mom is knowing that every thing I do will shape who my little girl will one day become.

GULP!

When I am moody...
What I eat...
How well I take care of myself...
How patient I am in situation with her... (standoff at dinner time with veggies)
What career path I take...
How much time I spend at night investing in her activities...(instead of getting the house organized while I still have enough energy to move)

Of course there are a bazillion other things that I could add to that list...but you get the idea.

I found myself carrying a heavy weight of guilt around my neck for weeks because of feeling like a failure as a mother.
I would lay awake at night crying that I didn't spend an extra ten minutes reading her a book before bed time.

I know that other moms go through this, but I didn't realize how weighty the privilege of raising a child could be.
A child's very existence and future depends on the choices we make!

So one night while I was laying in bed, emotionally eating, I had an epiphany.

I realized that all the pressure I was putting on myself was actually making things worse. I recognized that all I can do as a mom is give as much as I can, while always trying to be better, and then give myself grace and mercy for the times I fail.

Of course I still worry that one day she is going to turn out like me, dramatic and silly, but I know that all I can do is do my best.

I will try to give 100% to her, but I have to remember that the times I fail to give 100% God is going to give me enough grace and mercy to make up the difference.

I don't know if baby N will be dramatic and loud and silly like I am one day, but I do know and can count on that she will know 100% love...and I am counting on that being a good foundation for her future!