The weight and the privilege of motherhood

One of the hardest things for me about being a mom is knowing that every thing I do will shape who my little girl will one day become.

GULP!

When I am moody...
What I eat...
How well I take care of myself...
How patient I am in situation with her... (standoff at dinner time with veggies)
What career path I take...
How much time I spend at night investing in her activities...(instead of getting the house organized while I still have enough energy to move)

Of course there are a bazillion other things that I could add to that list...but you get the idea.

I found myself carrying a heavy weight of guilt around my neck for weeks because of feeling like a failure as a mother.
I would lay awake at night crying that I didn't spend an extra ten minutes reading her a book before bed time.

I know that other moms go through this, but I didn't realize how weighty the privilege of raising a child could be.
A child's very existence and future depends on the choices we make!

So one night while I was laying in bed, emotionally eating, I had an epiphany.

I realized that all the pressure I was putting on myself was actually making things worse. I recognized that all I can do as a mom is give as much as I can, while always trying to be better, and then give myself grace and mercy for the times I fail.

Of course I still worry that one day she is going to turn out like me, dramatic and silly, but I know that all I can do is do my best.

I will try to give 100% to her, but I have to remember that the times I fail to give 100% God is going to give me enough grace and mercy to make up the difference.

I don't know if baby N will be dramatic and loud and silly like I am one day, but I do know and can count on that she will know 100% love...and I am counting on that being a good foundation for her future!